I’m going to go ahead and preface this by saying that I’m not writing this for sympathy or pity. I just have so much floating around in my head and there must be an outlet every now and then or I’m just not someone with whom I enjoy living. I choose this as my outlet. I have this idea that has proven true with me my whole life: secrets are parasitic, toxic, and dangerous. Especially secrets that don’t really need to be secrets. Things like, I get depressed sometimes. It makes me anxious when seat belts or car seat buckle straps are twisted. I haven’t read my Bible in…a while. My marriage broke. I prefer wearing t-shirts over anything else, every day. I don’t always practice what I preach. I yell at Abby sometimes. I react in anger when I shouldn’t. I harbor resentments and bitterness. I wish my hair was long again. I watch more Bravo shows than I should. Et cetera.
I think people are so concerned with ‘image’ and having the appearance of having it altogether that we think everybody must be doing better than we are at life. But I think if people (myself definitely included) were more honest, we’d all have a more accurate and truthful portrayal of each other. I don’t really know where I’m going with this, but fortunately/unfortunately, a lot of people (most of the people) who read this, I know in real life, and I hope no one finds it too…forward. Honest. Raw. Real. But I just don’t have the energy to keep up appearances all the time anymore. And these things happen to people. People feel the same things I do sometimes. Everybody gets down. People get divorced. It shouldn’t have to be a secret.
My life kind of blew up a few months ago. My marriage broke. As in, you know, the D word. It’s a lengthy process, and God is mighty, but the journey has begun. Then my basement flooded. Then there was mold and rotting wood and drywall. Then other stuff happened that I won’t mention, but it sucked too. Sucked bad. I have good days and bad days. More good than bad, definitely and thankfully. Today has been on the fence, which I guess finally led to the writing of this post, finally.
I want to make sure and give God praise and glory, truly, because He has been the Rock of my Salvation in ways I’ve never known before nor would have, had any of this not happened. He has given me energy and strength to work and be strong for my babies. And not only just by being physically present, but I’m so much more cognizant of my parenting now and how much patience I lack at times. I’m a better mommy. You know that quote, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle?” I’ve become so much more aware of this, too. Of other people. Of the struggles that they may be facing that no one knows. That I don’t know. Because actually, I’m a pretty private person in real life. At least I think so. I DO like to keep up appearances, very much so; but they’re so exhausting and now I just don’t have it in me some days. But despite everything, God has kept His promise of never leaving me. He never has. He’s pulled me, work situations, classes for school, the house, my girls, and my finances together in such magnificent ways that you know only He is responsible.
But while I feel MY version of close to Him has been very deep and sincere, actual time spent in the Word has been next to nothing, and that needs to change. Maybe it’s laziness. I usually blame it on the fact that my head is so busy and so full all the time, that when I do have a free moment, I either want to sleep or make goals. Not even life goals, just simple ones, like building furniture, making a craft, or finding a recipe to make. That’s just an excuse though. Really, I know it is. I read Pride & Prejudice (great book) and To Kill a Mockingbird, so I know I can read, but reading the Bible is convicting and introspective.
“I don’t want to,” says the petulant and obstinate child.
Mostly, that’s what it boils down to I guess. Since the physical separation, I just feel kind of wild a bit. Turbulent. Changeable. Restless. Again. I feel like God made me to be a wife and mother and having one of those core roles in my life unavailable is like missing a kidney. I miss my kidney. I do well enough without it, but I was made to have two. So I don’t like to think about it much. Or me. Or me regarding my current marriage discombobulation, specifically. It’s painful. It’s sad. It’s lonely. It makes me crazy sometimes. I try not to stew and think on that part too much, and I feel like if I got in the Word, that’s what God would deal with. Me. Not the house, or the girls, or money, or schedule, or energy (although He does bless me so much in each of those areas). Just me. And that’s hard. But I’ve got to give in at some point. And I know if I could just do it once, it would be enough to leaving me wanting more. Cause God is like that. Once you hang out with Him once, you want more. He’s awesome like that.
So that’s that. My life blew up, but we’re all still here. God is good. All the time, no matter what. The things I’m dealing with now are temporary. This is not my home. This is not all I have to look forward to, although He has blessed me beyond measure with two indescribably amazing little girls. When all this first happened, I questioned God’s timing with Lily. I did. However, with each passing day, it is confirmed that His timing is perfect. Each day, they are exactly the little girls that God knew they would be and it’s nothing short of wonderful. God is good. No matter the situation or circumstance, He is good. Nothing happens in your life or mine that He doesn’t know about. And it all has a purpose, I promise. People say that I’m strong, but to this I say:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me.
Anything of worth that I am able to do is solely because of the God who lives in me. I am weak, broken, and rebellious. I can do nothing good of my own accord. Nothing.