I Wear my Heart on my Blog

I totally stole the title from a friend. At least I was honest about stealing it? I don’t suppose it’s too strange that I can be more honest with myself and others in writing than in person. I’m actually a pretty private person for the most part. I don’t like asking for help. I don’t like being ‘that’ girl who is always having a crisis, but it seems like I usually am. I don’t ever really have it ‘together’ for long. I think the past year and a half or two years is the longest I’ve gone without something crazy happening. My streak ended recently. I won’t go into details. I don’t really want to discuss it. I was going to say I don’t want to talk about it, but obviously I want to talk about it, but I don’t want to discuss it. Catch the difference? It’s subtle.

I wouldn’t say it’s a dark time, but it’s certainly cloudy. Big, stormy kind of cloudy. You ever have those days where each breath hurts a little? When your thoughts are a thousand little wrecking balls knocking around inside your head? One of those days where if you take your eyes off God for a second it all just becomes too much? It’s times like this I am keenly aware of why God said we need to renew our mind. To ‘focus on these things.’ To ‘take captive every thought unto the obedience of Christ.’ It’s important. It’s hard. It’s really hard. I wish my brain had an off switch. Like sharks circling for prey, my thoughts circle around the same circumstances. Same conversations. Same unanswered questions. While the Holy Spirit (?) in my mind is running around trying to stamp them out. Take them captive. Replace them with Life.

Replace them with Life. Life. God is sovereign. Replace replace replace. But I want to be mad. I do. I really do. I want to fall apart. I mean honestly, doesn’t it feel good to just give in sometimes?Fighting the devil is hard. That’s why its a fight yo. Replace replace replace. Do not grow weary in doing good. Blessed is the man who endures trials for once he is approved he will receive the crown of life. God really is so wonderful to bring these to my mind. They really do pop in at the right time. And it even says in John that the Holy Spirit will bring these things to remembrance. Another one. Sometimes I feel like if I move…an eyelash away from God’s face I’m going to fall to pieces. That’s why it’s critical to keep the focus on Him. Especially when life gets cloudy. He gives life and brings life and breathes life into my circumstances. He can’t do that if I let the devil set fire to my mind. He just can’t. It’s so crucial to cast down anything that raises itself against the knowledge of God. Critical. It’s not easy. Sometimes it sucks. But you know what? I already feel better. Know what else? I know I’ll go right back to being a hot mess if I don’t continue casting down and fighting the good fight. I don’t think anywhere in the Bible it said that would be easy.

As soon as I go back to life though, Satan slips back in with his matches. His wrecking balls. His lies. His anger. His hurt. His clouds. Oh to live in a God bubble where there is no more fighting. No more casting down. The battle is over and I can rest. Wait, I guess that would be heaven ay?  Reminds me of a Matthew West song. One of my favorites.

There is a longing deep inside my soul.
There is a place my spirit wants to go.
It’s far away from all these chains that bind.
There is a world I long to leave behind.

Just a few more days I’ll be going home.
Just a few more hours and I’ll be flying.
It could be any minute now, that you’ll take me away,
or maybe just a few more days.
A few more days.

To you a day is like a thousand years,
and only You know when the clouds will clear.
So, let me not forget and fall away,
because a thousand years could be today.

I’m trying not to fall away. If I could have my MOG playlist on repeat inside my head I would do better. God gave me a spirit that responds very strongly to music (which is why I must be very careful what I put into my little heart garden) and I’m very thankful for that. When I was a teenager the stuff I listened to was such pure hot garbage. The stuff I was letting into my spirit. Singing and speaking over my life. It’s no wonder my behavior and thought life was pure hot garbage as well. That’s a whole ‘nother blog.

Peace and chicken grease. Don’t grow weary. I won’t if you won’t.

2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Dixie (her mom) on February 23, 2011 at 10:58 pm

    Oh baby. Sorry you are hurting so. It pains me but I know you are strong and will be there for your family. I love you.


  2. Posted by Renee on March 20, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    Thank you for posting this…I soooo needed to read this today and know that I am not alone in these exact spiritual warfare struggles.


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