Restless

I’m restless. About everything. Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe it’s my own inner craziness.

Restless about the fact that everyone I know is pregnant. And I’m not. Yes, everyone! Ok not everyone, but definitely most. Even people I don’t know. Pregnancy has now invaded my aerobics class!  The last time I got pregnant it was like something you’d hear about in health class or a PSA: it only takes one time. What a wonderful surprise she was. A wonderful, wonderful surprise. Even in the midst of less than wonderful circumstances, she was not less than wonderful. Now it’s almost like God is taunting me. Not taunting in a mean way, but in a…”By golly, I’m going to stretch her way.” And it is. Most of the time it doesn’t bother me, but today, its painful. I’m restless.

I’m restless about my marriage. Which is strange, because I almost didn’t have one anymore. The anniversary of our separation is coming up. Perhaps that’s the source of my restlessness. Almost a year ago, for what seemed like ages, we teetered dangerously on the ugly, deadly, heartbreaking cliff of divorce. The days were agonizing. Will we. Won’t we. Not today, but certainly tomorrow. It never happened. Neither of us actually followed through. God literally held us together. I know He did. He was and is our glue, dotted with a little bit of our daughter for added sparkle and adhesiveness. For some reason, He loves us together more than we did. And I’m grateful for that. So why the restlessness? I think about how far we’ve come and how well we’re doing, where we came from, and I’m restless. I want to be further and to be doing better. It’s that perfectionistic blursing (blessing+curse) that drives me for more. For results. That probably had a little bit to do with the original problem. To his credit, my husband doesn’t share the need to improve, push, strive, and hammer every iota of his life. At least not at the rate I do. Thank God for that. Restless.

What does restless even mean? I’ll tell you. a) characterized by or showing inability to remain at rest b) unquiet or uneasy, as a person, the mind, or the heart c) unceasingly active; averse to quiet or inaction, as persons.

That’s certainly me. Today at least.

Discontent is a good word to go along with my restlessness. I know who is behind discontent-ness. The father of lies. Doubt. Fear. Anger. Foolishness. Selfishness. I know who. I know his tricks. I know all of this. But I want to wallow. Restless. I need action. Results.

But I know better. I do. This will pass. There’s no timing like God’s timing. I won’t continue to let the enemy of our souls steal my joy. The joy of being happy for the 5794 people I know who are expecting their own new joy soon. The joy of having a marriage to work on. The joy of a new summer, ripe with possibilities that were dead a year ago. The joy of having a healthy body, that I push to the extreme almost every day. The joy of being able to drench A in everything that I have, without division. My joy. Joy I believe God wants me to experience, in spite of myself and my craving for more, better, next.

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11 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by CStoll on April 7, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Praise God that He kept your marriage together! What you wrote about it brought tears to my eyes.

    The oodles of preggo people are tough to face when you’d like to be in their shoes. I remember when it seemed like everyone I knew was getting married and I wasn’t….ouch. Some days I couldn’t even hang out with them because it was too painful and reminded me of what I didn’t have.

    I can definitely understand the restless feeling. God blesses us with so much, yet we are discontent with our lives. Very common, but I don’t have any solid answer as far as how to battle it.

    Hang in there, Chick!

    Reply

    • For me, I think just getting it off my chest helps a lot. I can literally breathe a lot easier after getting all the funk out my head.

      Reply

  2. Posted by CStoll on April 7, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    I was thinking about what you said about hubby not wanting to push, strive, improve, etc… at the same rate as you. Been there with home improvement projects (the dreaded “honey do” list), and now we’re somewhat there spiritually as well. I really want us to grow closer to God and to each other, but my hubs is in survival mode and too worn out to even think about stuff like that. When the kids are in bed, he plays video games on the computer instead of doing anything productive. While I watch the kids, I’m expected to do everything around the house as well; when he watches them, he turns on sports on TV and sits on the couch. I’m still on the computer a lot in the evenings, yes. But I guess I am more motivated to make good use of our time instead of wasting it away. I want to make plans for the weekends and find fun things to do with the kids. Frustrating when the other half of the relationship isn’t in the same place.

    Reply

    • I will definitely be praying for you guys. I know it’s hard. Sometimes life does just get the best of us. We fall into spiritual ruts individually and as a couple, but prayers do big things, and God is interested in all aspects of our lives. You guys are in my thoughts and I know and appreciate that we’ve been in yours.

      Reply

  3. Your post brought some tears to me too!

    Times like these are the hardest for all of us. I’ve been where you are; it’s pretty common! ;) BUT, that doesn’t make it any easier. God knows what he is doing, even when we aren’t sure why things aren’t happening on our schedule. Everything happens for a reason. It sounds so cliche, yet it is so true. God is wanting to teach you and grow you more into a woman of God.

    Enjoy your little one while you only have one, because there isn’t as much time or enough of you to go around when there is another little one who needs constant attention. I’m still trying to figure out how to accomplish all that I want to do in a day, and it’s not as easy as you think! It’s a balancing act for sure, and I find myself falling more often than not.

    Congrats on your anniversary too! “My husband doesn’t share the need to improve, push, strive, and hammer every iota of his life. At least not at the rate I do.” That’s why you’re together! :) My husband and I are the same way– although he’s the one constantly wanting to do things, especially when it comes to the house. But we balance each other: I pull him back when he gets to involved or caught up with things that “have to be done right now” and he pushes and motivates me to participate with him. It’s in those times that we grow closer as a couple and better ourselves as an individual. And this isn’t always easy, and definitely doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time, effort and tears. (At least it did for us…)

    Keep your chin up and I’ll say a prayer for you!

    ~Christina

    maybe you can motivate me to do something with my blog– I’m such a procrastinator!!! :)

    Reply

    • Thanks! :) We’ve actually already had a much better week. Some dialogue was able to be opened because of this blog and my cloud has lifted for the most part. For me sometimes, it takes a conscious effort to be content I think, and honestly, at the moment I wrote this, I didn’t WANT to put in the effort into being content. I just didn’t FEEL like it. One of the favorite things that I’ve said and often forget is that feelings will get you killed. So anyway, I’m ok today :)

      Reply

  4. Posted by Dixie (mom) on April 7, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    You truly have a “gift” for writing and having it touch people. I believe good things are coming your way. God is working it all out. I love you baby.

    Reply

  5. Posted by Marchan on April 10, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    Stacey, I agree with your mom. You do have a gift for writing. This is the first time I read your blog. I was blown away by your thoughts and the way you expressed them. The gift you have, is to see the positive way God moves in your life. Please continue to share you, with all of us. As long as you write your Christian blog, I will be reading. I would suggest you make copies of your writings and put them in a book. See the changes in your life a year from now. Maybe some day, I will see your book on a shelf in a store. I love you Stacey. But most of all, I love how you love God…

    Marchan

    Reply

  6. I love writing :) And thank you. He loves me more!

    Reply

  7. […] yes, I was pregnant when I wrote my Restless post. I found out five days after writing it. God’s pretty wonderful like that. I mean, when […]

    Reply

  8. Posted by CStoll on May 26, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    Wow, God. Your timing is perfect. It is only when we accept where we are and learn to be content that You can truly bless us with our deepest desires.

    Reply

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