I’m restless. About everything. Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe it’s my own inner craziness.
Restless about the fact that everyone I know is pregnant. And I’m not. Yes, everyone! Ok not everyone, but definitely most. Even people I don’t know. Pregnancy has now invaded my aerobics class! The last time I got pregnant it was like something you’d hear about in health class or a PSA: it only takes one time. What a wonderful surprise she was. A wonderful, wonderful surprise. Even in the midst of less than wonderful circumstances, she was not less than wonderful. Now it’s almost like God is taunting me. Not taunting in a mean way, but in a…”By golly, I’m going to stretch her way.” And it is. Most of the time it doesn’t bother me, but today, its painful. I’m restless.
I’m restless about my marriage. Which is strange, because I almost didn’t have one anymore. The anniversary of our separation is coming up. Perhaps that’s the source of my restlessness. Almost a year ago, for what seemed like ages, we teetered dangerously on the ugly, deadly, heartbreaking cliff of divorce. The days were agonizing. Will we. Won’t we. Not today, but certainly tomorrow. It never happened. Neither of us actually followed through. God literally held us together. I know He did. He was and is our glue, dotted with a little bit of our daughter for added sparkle and adhesiveness. For some reason, He loves us together more than we did. And I’m grateful for that. So why the restlessness? I think about how far we’ve come and how well we’re doing, where we came from, and I’m restless. I want to be further and to be doing better. It’s that perfectionistic blursing (blessing+curse) that drives me for more. For results. That probably had a little bit to do with the original problem. To his credit, my husband doesn’t share the need to improve, push, strive, and hammer every iota of his life. At least not at the rate I do. Thank God for that. Restless.
What does restless even mean? I’ll tell you. a) characterized by or showing inability to remain at rest b) unquiet or uneasy, as a person, the mind, or the heart c) unceasingly active; averse to quiet or inaction, as persons.
That’s certainly me. Today at least.
Discontent is a good word to go along with my restlessness. I know who is behind discontent-ness. The father of lies. Doubt. Fear. Anger. Foolishness. Selfishness. I know who. I know his tricks. I know all of this. But I want to wallow. Restless. I need action. Results.
But I know better. I do. This will pass. There’s no timing like God’s timing. I won’t continue to let the enemy of our souls steal my joy. The joy of being happy for the 5794 people I know who are expecting their own new joy soon. The joy of having a marriage to work on. The joy of a new summer, ripe with possibilities that were dead a year ago. The joy of having a healthy body, that I push to the extreme almost every day. The joy of being able to drench A in everything that I have, without division. My joy. Joy I believe God wants me to experience, in spite of myself and my craving for more, better, next.